I woke up this morning, tired. That's never a good thing for my brain. All I wanted was to go back to sleep, but I set the goal to walk on the treadmill for an hour, every morning this week, before work - because I know I won't do it after work. The past few weeks, I haven't kept the exercise goal at all, so this week, I am going to do it, no matter what.
So, I start walking, and I'm ok with that, until my boyfriend asked me if I want a turkey sandwich or a frozen dinner, for lunch. That's all it took to get my brain going. The frustration, disappointment, and anger had started. So, I'm going to address these feelings, one by one.
FRUSTRATION!
The thought of another turkey sandwich made me want to gag, right there on the spot. I'm soooo sick of turkey. Actually, I'm sick of everything that I eat! People don't seem to understand "picky," to the extent that I am picky. Before Weight Watchers, I had a limited palate. I like very few things. When I go to a restaurants, I usually have one thing at each restaurant that I order every time that I eat there. I have found out that most of the foods that I love, are not "point friendly," so, in order to have these things, I really have to plan and work the system. There are very few point friendly foods that I like, or can eat, so I eat the same things, day after day, week after week, month after month. I'm in the middle of my eighth month on the program, and I am at my breaking point, although I need to keep plugging right along, because what I am doing has worked for me.
I have an aversion to fruit, not because of the taste, but because of the texture. If it is not applesauce or a banana, I literally gag trying to eat one bite. I love the taste - and smoothies would be great, but we all know about fruit having points in smoothies.
It's easy for people to tell me to "try new things." Well, that's so much easier said, than done. I don't like to try new foods for different reasons. The first, is that it not cost-efficient for me. If I pay for something, and don't like it, then I have wasted money. I've spent the money, have food I won't eat, and I'm still hungry. The choice then is to either be hungry, or spend even more money to get something that I knew I would like, if I had gotten it in the first place. The second reason is that 99.9% of the time that I try something new, I don't like it. That goes back to my limited palate and pickiness. People don't get it. Maybe not many people are wired like me, but that is who I am, and who I will always be. So, however good-intentioned that the advice to try something new is, it doesn't work for me. I'm not refusing to listen to advice to be difficult. It just doesn't work for me.
So, I'm frustrated. I'm hungry. I'm feeling deprived. I'm sick of eating the same things, but I don't want to go back to my old ways and eat more of the things that I really like. I know that I have to work them in. I know that I have to plan for them. I really do appreciate them when I have them. I'm ok with this most of the time, but today, I'm not ok with it. I'm probably going to go out to eat tonight, get something I really want, point-friendly or not, and enjoy a meal. I have weeklies, and I'm going to use them. However, I feel I might regret it. That brings on the next feeling.
DISAPPOINTMENT!
Those who have read my posts, know that as of my last weigh-in, I was two pounds from my Weight Watcher's goal. I would still have a little to go to reach my personal goal, but the boost of reaching the Weight Watcher's goal would be so huge for me. I haven't had the "fire" in me that I started with, and being this close, has given me some motivation. The plan was to have all blue dots, and to walk for an hour a day on the treadmill, every day this week. I know that I might not make goal this week, but it won't be for a lack of doing everything I should do. I also know that the scale fluctuates, and does not always cooperate. After working hard and getting all blue dots so far this week, the scale has gone down, up, and back down, however, I am still .2 pounds above where I was at my last weigh-in. Yes, the scale has time to go back down by Saturday morning, and more than likely, it will, but I'm still disappointed.
My boyfriend, the wise person that he is, reminded me of something that I know, or should know. I may not hit goal this week. I may or may not hit it next week, but I have forever to get there. There is no timeline. So true. I know that. I would tell others that. I guess I'm just in the "I want it NOW" frame of mind, and need to get out of it. This brings on the last thing that I'm feeling.
ANGER!
I'm angry at myself. I'm hungry! I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm having a pity-party, and I don't like when I get that way. I have no reason to be like that. I have been successful, and I continue to be successful. The plan is working for me, but it's just not going as quickly as I want it to. I'm farther along than I ever thought I would be at this time. I know I can eat what I want, and work it in. My mind isn't listening to everything that I know to be true. I'm going to get there, and it probably won't be that much longer. I don't have to let myself feel deprived. I've done that to myself. I don't have to be my own worst enemy. I don't need to beat myself up. I need to practice what I preach to others.
OK, so the pity-party stops here. I'm putting on my big girl panties (and being thankful that they aren't as big as they used to be!) I'm going to treat myself to some good food. I'm going to use my weeklies. I'm going to continue to work the program. I'm going to continue to exercise. I will hit the Weight Watchers goal soon, and I know that I don't need to be disappointed in myself if the scale doesn't immediately show what I want it to.
The rant is over. For those who read this super-long post, I appreciate it. It makes me feel better to write, and get it out of my system. It has helped to get my out of my negative head space.
Always remember – YOU ARE AMAZING! Go out and make it a great day!
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